Be Kind To Yourself

Treating myself gently

The past months have taken their toll.

Frustration at my limitations is a constant.

Not yet finding a medical voice that I trust is

distressing and infuriating.

I was able to visit a vintage market show

on Friday with pal Sue and make it all around and back

with limited discomfort. Progress!

We shared a great lunch, at one of my favorite spots,

Public School (first discovered in Culver City near Hannah),

 then back to her home

to peel sacks of lemons to begin making

limoncello gifts for the holidays.

I found these delightful star lights

that have a 6 hour timer so I am installing

them in many rooms. These in the family

room greeted me when I returned on Friday and

the mood in the room instantly calmed me.

I set them to come on at 6 pm and they shut off at midnight.

The next 3 sets are going in my bedroom canopy.

I cannot imagine a better welcome for slumber each evening.

Be Kind To Yourself

Z

Death Cleaning

I have never called it that, but all my clients will tell

you the topic comes up in every job

that I work on.

I guess I should have written the book on it

 cause some gal has and will make money

DOSTADNING

The idea being that you clean your home - de-clutter,

before you die so as not to burden loved ones 

with all your crap.

I have clients that have saved furniture

 and mementos for decades 

"to leave for the kids".

Guess what?

Most of those precious to you things, your kids don't want,

and will sell or trash in the few weeks after your death.

FACE IT * IT"S TRUE

and you will have made them miss work, 

travel far distances in some cases, and spend 

weeks sorting through your stuff because 

you did not do your job.

Several of you are shaking your heads thinking "not my kids."

BUT THE big B

So you wish to burden your loved ones so the cycle drags on

through the generations and you not only leave them, but leave 

them burdened with guilt over your china poodle figurine 

missing a leg that you adored when you were five.

SO here is the shortened version

of what I have been saying for years
 to all clients and friends.

1. Give your kids what they want and need now and

watch them enjoy it. If you are still using it ok fine,

but don't abuse the term "using" for just not letting go.

Why make them wait for it? 

Do they have to earn the right to have it now?

2. If you don't wish for me to pop you up side the head-

Have a will, a trust, medical and financial power of attorney

 and discuss everything with your loved ones. 

There are no excuses - It is cruel to NOT do this.

You're going to die- deal with it 

BECAUSE you love your family.

Get your papers in order, clearly marked.

Trash all unnecessary papers.

If you have set up trusts, 

you'll reduce the labor by about 80%

and more money goes to heirs.

oh one more-

please if you can, give generously to charity.

If your family is well financially, give to others.

Put wishes in binder.

3. If it is important to you, it deserves respect

 and a place in your home. NOT in a storage unit, 

or a box in the basement or attic. 

Storage should be holiday decor and seldom used, 

but used items like once a year turkey fryers. 

4. When it comes to saving kid's things, 

have them decide what they wish to keep. 

I had my two go through childhood keepsakes

 at the end of high school and shortly after college.

There were so many things I would have chosen

 that they cared nothing about, and the reverse,

 but these are their memories not yours.

I am storing for them a few childhood toys

that they selected,1 bin each and their childhood

 books in 4 small printer boxes.

Storing only because they live in wee apts in LA.

Once married - I'll deliver to them and they know it!

 If you're kids have families of their own,

why the heck are you storing their stuff?

If you demand they come get it,  

at least 50 % of them will say just toss it.

They don't care enough to store it.

Time and time again I've seen it, parents (usually the moms) 

"want" their kids to want stuff they don't give a damn about.

Also see kids who will not be honest with that same mom,

so as not to hurt her feelings.

If you think the stored stuff is soooo valuable, 

sell it and take the entire family on a paid vacation and 

make memories that matter.

5. Live with today's reality:

When my mom passed, she and dad had

 already downsized 4 times in 4 moves. 

Yet when clearing out the house I came across 24 

still in their plastic, Christmas tablecloths. All of them

were clearance priced, never used.

My folks entertained a lot, big neighborhood parties.

They always had scads of paper plates, cups etc

 all bought on sale for the next event. 

But dad had been gone for three years, not one guest

in all those years, yet she still bought "the good deal" 

out of habit, not reality. There was also a pallet of toilet paper.

sigh, that was dad

what NOT to do below

just so you can have a visual.

If you have anything remotely like this

get on it. Need help, ask friends and family.

But unless your fortune teller told you the date

for your tombstone, get cracking.

I'm a tough cookie- no excuses.

6. Have all your important papers

in one location preferably a binder,

and show your executor where it is and go over details.

Have a current DNR

Update everything if you make changes.

Consider how you would like to be faced with this job.

Every few years I review with my kids.

7. Make a list of friends your children might not know 

that should be informed of your passing privately.

Think blog friends? 

I discovered a few blog friends had passed

via a brief blog announcement which was shocking

and most upsetting.

I also once received a Christmas card with a note.

"BTW Greig died last Feb, not sure you knew that."

During so much grief, they may not remember that

work out buddy, or HS chum you still chat with.

Include phone numbers and addresses and keep in binder.

8. That brings up another vital task.

Your passwords - so that your loved ones 

can shut down your on line accts like blog, FB IG etc

and close up business dealings on line easily.

Go buy a cheap address book and  go

through alphabetically and list EVERYTHING - then 

show executor where it's hidden. 

9, If you don't want anyone to know something about

your past now is the time to go through it, 

deal with the memories and shred it.  

Again ticking clock..

If you have some things "uh.. personal"

you'll keep up until the very end, ask your best friend 

to quietly remove/destroy these items from the home

 right after your demise.

No sense shocking your in laws, siblings, or kids 

as they go through your belongings.  

This is also the time to write love notes to your loved ones.

Tell them every day of course, but 

receiving one last loving farewell from you 

may bring them comfort in those horrible first days.

10. Do not be shy about death wishes

Describe in detail your funeral wishes.

Do NOT make them have to decide.

If it is written down no one can dispute or argue,

(and many have and will) what is to occur.

The executor can simply flash the sheet and say

"Her wishes are to be respected."

My kids know who is to be invited ,

and who is NOT to be invited

to "Z's post existence" final sale.

That was assuming I went earlier than usual

as my friends are all my peers, so if I go late,

none of them will want anything or maybe even be around. 

There are a select few who have earned "first dibs rights."

Honestly there's a list and they know about it.

I smile every time I think of these few gals

 getting together with my kids and deciding what they 

want from the sale. 

I told Ben to have Rolling Rock on ice.

home town beer

NO this is not morbid.

It is life's reality. 

None of us gets out of this alive.

Talking about it will not make it happen

any sooner or jinx anything.

I wish to live as long as I possibly can,

and I refuse to burden my kids with my life's 

flotsam and jetsam. 

Celebrate my life and my love for you.

and yep there's even a playlist I made, but I also told Ben 

to make a playlist of what he thinks is appropriate,

it will be hilarious and meaningful I'm sure.

Dostadning

hybrid of words death and cleaning

Everything Old Is New Again

Began thinking about the holidays coming up

 and in that spirit I set

the family room back to the way

 I had it for years, 

with a small table smack in the middle

 and chairs in the corners

 to accommodate extra bodies.

(that largest bread board was in sale this weekend, no one bought

and look it's perfect here in new arrangement! kismet)

It worked well then, and will again.

This small table under the window 

can hold my real tree

 again like last year.

When you catch yourself standing in

the corner with a smile on your face, 

you know it's right.

I hung out with gal pals at a garage sale 

cross town on Saturday.

Came home with two less tubs of stuff.

Some of you who I "council" via email,

keep at it, bit by bit like I am - you'll get there.

I also DRASTICALLY  opened up

the den/computer room.

Removed carpet, large chair etc.

Placed larger table in here for desk, much better!

Breath of fresh air. 

LOVE it this way.

(btw not lifting anything, sliding all across floor)

(Howie says who dat?)

It's funny how folks are dismayed by my

obsession with less. 

But I have a plan and goals to reach,

and it has only been exacerbated by the

lunacy/treachery of 45.

 Didn't feel like packing up my trees

 and then unpacking in a month, 

so I left them sitting here on the left wall of the den.

ahhhhhhhh

it's good

again

"Come Saturday Morning" Or 2:00 am Upchuck

2 a.m. Saturday

and for a change I am actually asleep.

Yesterday I fell asleep at 6 am this morning.

(follow that?)

Anyway I come slightly awake to the bed moving

 and a strange sound. 

I assume it is Howie dreaming, and drift back off.

After a bit he jumps down off the bed. 

A little later he jumps back up and comes very close to my 

face, and climbs onto my head,

and I awake knowing something is wrong. 

Turn on the light 

and 

He has been sick all over my bed.

My best linen bedding.

My favorite of all time bedding.

Down through three layers to mattress cover.

Then proceeded to throw up in five more places

around the room.

SO I have been spraying and cleaning

and running the washing machine with fingers crossed

that my linens come out OK.

2:10 now

I LOVE these sheets.

My carpet will be a work in progress for tomorrow too.

Supposed to be at friend's garage sale tomorrow morning.

Wonder when I'll get back to sleep, if...

Hannah once threw up all down my back when 

she was a wee thing.

Ben pooped all over my lap. Twice

What we do for the ones we love.

See? thank heaven my knees are a little better 

or what would I have done?

Anyone else remember the 

Come Saturday Morning song?

"...and we will remember long after Saturday's gone"

Yep, bet I will.

Butt Face and Small Things

What appears to be a mound of pillows 

for Howie's repose is actually my hip bone

 as I was lying on the couch

day after day, 5 weeks, unable to do anything.

Butt right in my face, snores included.

After 5 weeks of major discomfort

and multiple tests their conclusion so far?

I have severe inflammation in my body.

They don't know the source.

DUH

After weeks of messages, 

 I eventually reached a kind hearted 

Nurse Practitioner Tuesday who

got a Dr to order some anti-inflammatories that

I was allowed to take with my new BP meds.

(It might have been my quiet weeping that did it.)

I have never taken meds except for the rare antibiotic

so I'm having to adjust to the new reality.

After 4 weeks of being unable to walk even a few feet,

I am having pain free hours and 

sleeping longer than 3 hours.

I am so grateful.

Still have a long path to figure it all out,

but in the big life scheme I am blessed.

Ben has learned to make fresh pasta,

and sends me proof.

The holidays will have some 

fresh culinary ideas I'm sure.

Cannot wait till they're home.

Visiting a friend this weekend during her community

garage sale. I will be in repose myself just observing

for a change and visiting with a couple pals.

Our weather has turned.

I'm giving myself one more week of healing,

and then I'll be out back trying to rescue 

the mess that has developed, and I'll be back in

the studio, pedal to the metal sewing. Huzzah!

My world is small.

Good things come in small packages.

Dear Hate

And Now It's My Home

Now it's come home.

It's a numbness that has become

far too familiar.

The rounds after rounds of gunfire 

 played on a loop on every channel

 hour after hour.

Because of a connection, I knew last night

the numbers were far higher than were 

first being reported.

I want to go give blood but cannot.

I want to scream for this all to stop.

It will not.